DBA: MIA

hello friends! wanted to write a quick note to address a recent question: whatever happened to the david's bridal awards? (backstory: what's a DBA?)

first, let me say that thousands of dollars in therapy later i've worked off most of the angst over the giant, bright-red, strapless, embroidered, ruched satin ballgown my sister selected from david's. oh, and it had sequins {{twitch}}.
it ended up just fine. lovely, even. plus now i have the *perfect* julia-roberts-as-pretty-woman halloween costume.

second, i had *no* idea so many people would actually visit this corner of the internet (thanks, by the way!). my goal: highlight amazing independent artists, and connect savvy independent people who want to inject more character into one of life's major events. etsy has helped me so much with my own business -- this is my community service in return. so why (other than the vast untapped well of humor) belittle other people's artfully crafted goods, even if i would never buy them? someone will very likely *love* a cammo deerhunting garter.

so: DBA. bad karma or all in good fun? might as well leave the bitchiness to political pundits and TMZ, no?

weekly DBA: TP cake

this week's david's bridal award: toilet paper cake

ok, i know i've already mined this fertile ground with the bathtowel cake. but this one has something new -- six rolls of toilet paper, five cotton washcloths, four hand towels and, the coup de grace, a *sink plunger*.

what, what, is one to do with this? keep it? pass it among friends? or... heaven forfend... use it? what does it say about one when you use the nuptial decorations to literally, er, wipe up? and sitting atop the "plunger pedestal" is a decorative bride and groom candle... beauty and utility.

i knew marriage would involve plunging, but so soon?
TP cake, thou art the weekly DBA.
(what's a DBA?)

weekly DBA: towel cake

this week's david's bridal award: elegant towel wedding cake

huh. so... it's a cake... but it's made from rolled-up terrycloth bath towels and hand towels... so... you can't eat it. but it *looks* like you can eat it. but you can't. and... it's $65. so it's not like you'd take it apart, really, and... bathe with it. you just... keep it? for next time?

huh.

weekly DBA.
(what's a DBA?)

weekly DBA: wedding coozies

this week's david's bridal award: bride and groom beer coozies

if you're going to drink beer from a can on your wedding day, and i have *nothing* against that, i must say, must there be maribou feathers involved? have you ever dealt with wet maribou feathers? don't answer in front of your betrothed.

how does one spell coozie, anyway? koozy? qoozi?

again, not speaking from the high ground -- one of my mom's wedding favors was bright neon-colored foam beer coozies that said 'changes in latitudes, changes in attitudes...'

neither of these things is nearly as bad an idea as the maribou feather
bridal shot glass. hmmm... don't remember anything after the macarena... and why the hell are these feathers in my teeth? pfffft.

(what's a DBA?)

weekly DBA: cammo huntin' garter

this week's david's bridal award: "deerhunter's dream" wedding garter set

oh, my friends. yes, i am originally from texas, and yes, i can shoot a gun, and yes, i have shot, killed and eaten wild things, not that i feel so great about it now. they were delicious at the time! moral high ground, not so much.

but... on your wedding day... sweet bambi, bounding across your thigh, caught in the moment of the chase just before you annihilate him into bloodspattered cammo oblivion? one to toss and a keepsake bonus? maybe heat-packing bridesmaids skeet shoot this one down...

weekly DBA, it has been a while.
(what's a DBA?)

weekly DBA: intimate moments

this week's david's bridal award: the intimate moments sheet cover

yes, it is what you think it is. "for love's messy moments."

a part of me thinks it not entirely a bad idea...
just... so... well... ...hmmph.
stumped what to say. another DBA for you.
(what's a DBA?)

going straight to hell: the weekly DBA

my bridal-shopping friends, what i am about to say isn't very nice. it puts me in mind of the old phrase -- 'if you can't say something nice, come sit next to me' --

but i have spent a good deal of time sifting through a lot of *stuff*. you have too: invitations. cards. save the date possibilities. favors. gifts. dresses. jewelry. bridesmaid crap. who knew there was so much *stuff* involved? and every now and then you come across something that just makes you think: what were they thinking?

in honor of this, and in spite of my deep and abiding admiration for etsyers and my desire to make friends and have world peace, i respectfully debut my new occasional feature entitled "the weekly DBA" -- the weekly David's Bridal Award, in honor of a place that truly made me want to light myself or someone nearby on fire.*

(the title would've been "**WTF???**" but hey, my mom reads this blog. would i use that mouth to talk to my mom? not when she's just heard what hors d'ouvres cost from hotel catering.) ($3.50-4.75 **per piece**, ahem!)

in these interludes we pause for a moment to contemplate some of the more creative entries in the bridal horserace. please know this is a friendly sort of poking fun and not a snarky "i must destroy your happiness and ridicule your personal style/masterpiece/etc." my style ain't the same as everyone's and i firmly believe in to each their own. these DBAs are just my two american cents.

without further disclaimer, the inaugural "weekly DBA":


1980's gunne sax bride/ bridesmaid dress simplicity pattern

admittedly, this one's a softball. a no-brainer. i say: cool! sew your own wedding dress. no problem. still -- correct me if i'm wrong, some forms of retro are indeed fabulous fun -- but jessica mcclintock for gunne sax was what we wore to my 6th grade dance. and it looked bad on us even when it was in style. gunne sax, i dub thee the weekly DBA.

* it's not the people who work at david's, they are lovely. it is the FLUORESCENT MIRRORED HELL. would it be so hard to have natural lighting so we don't all look like sallow heifers? just a thought.