#379: what's the point of having cake if you can't eat it too?

things i've been doing lately:

1) driving everyone nuts (though they're all too kind to tell me to my face). "we're getting hitched in april!" "oh wait, make that february!" "ahhh...ok, may!" "um...maybe november?" "uhhhhhh...back to february or may..."

self: please STFU.

2) getting (pushed) off track. i didn't think i'd do this when i earnestly began searching for a reception venue but most of the places i've contacted really aren't that far off the road-frequently-traveled-by-brides (ok, fine, i've only received an estimate from one place so far but still...it ceremoniously ripped my budget to shreds...). which means they're all rather expensive. which means i've also been...

3) driving myself nuts trying to hold tight to this budget whilst also clinging to the Big Vision with ALL SIGNS pointing to IMPOSSIBLE.

as a result, and to point out the obvious, the venue search has been an utter failure. meh, i should rephrase that. finding a venue that we like, that we think our guests would like, all the while sticking to my $10,000 goal...has been mindbendingly difficult and disappointing.

i feel like i've looked for so long for "unique venues" (read: venues not on the road-frequently-traveled-by-brides thus able to make friends with my budget) or at least unique ways in order to find unique venues. but over the past couple of months, i've somehow come full circle back to popular wedding venues...which translates to EXPENSIVE...which translates to WILL BREAK MY BUDGET AND TAKE MY ARMS AND LEGS. which is so far away from where i thought i'd be. which has been making me anxious about our budget.

what am i doing. i can't pull this off. aim for the stars and at least reach the moon? not so much, apparently.

and the fiance has even said to me on several occasions while witnessing the struggle:
hey...maybe TTO could stand for..."twenty thousand only"...? yeah? deal or no deal?

NO DEAL! HA HA HA! you're so silly!!!...

but seriously? i've allowed myself to wonder as of late...would it BE so wrong to break the ceiling juuuuust a little bit? like...by 100%?

but i don't want to! {cue 'cry me a river' here}

so...what am i doing wrong? and why do i constantly feel like my mind keeps battling itself? (as evidenced by the scarily-all-over-the-place-complete-with-multiple-voices episode you just read above...)

enter reader crafty beaver with her comment:
Seems to me that a lot of heartache comes NOT from trying to throw a great wedding and party on $10K (or whatever your personal number is), but from trying to throw the $50K wedding in all the pictures on $10K.

wait a minute. wait a minute. so what you're saying is...

i can't throw a $50k wedding for $10k.

man, why have i been driving myself nutso's when it's really that simple?

i can't have my cake and eat it too. unless i change the type of cake i want...in which case i may end up getting and eating the best cake of my freaking life. and now that i realize that and (key word coming up...) ACCEPT it...i'm feeling quite motivated again.

first step: to revisit my priorities. post to come shortly.

p.s. bloggers-you-love-to-read meg and guilty also gave me some juice with their recent posts.

p.p.s. um. i love all ya'll.